Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Take these chances...

Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die.

- Ants Marching,  Dave Matthews Band



Usually there's already a song out there that pretty much sums up whats going on in my head.

Luckily this time, its a pretty kick ass song... and I will probably kill myself the day One Direction sing a song that sums up whats in my head.



Monday, 19 August 2013

Mentality

It surprises me that no one can hear my mind scream.
I hear it loud and clear, one day my voice will follow. 
No one hears the arguments, the debates, the eternal repetition.
They don’t crave silence. They don’t hate silence.
It’s all in my mind.

And I am surprised that my mind has let me get this far.
I expect it will fail me soon, sooner than I expect.
Perhaps it has already failed me and I haven’t noticed.
Sanity, insanity, anxiety, angry me.
It’s all in my mind.

But my mind is my best escape. When it’s peaceful
I dream of wondrous things. Beauty, grace, forgiveness. 
My mind tells me I can fly, I just need to remember how 
and I have to tell myself
it’s all in my mind.

I wonder how to make it stop. Thoughts just go on and on
and its one thing then another and I have to know this and what if that 
and then the blame the dark things the anger the hopelessness
that never stops that just fades but never washes out and they say
it’s all in my mind?

It surprises me that I can be still, that I am still, and that I am still here.
Around me, people go about their life, expecting me to do the same.
I expect I shall do the same. Continue to be, continue to be still, still here.
We all fights battles in our minds, or maybe its just me. And my battle 
is all in my mind. 

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Space Travel

Would you like some space to yourself?
Or space to rest your head?
The space between us is 
more than an arms length,
or a flight of fancy.

Space travel was never my thing.

I could hardly face any space 
without you.

Your need for space was 
inconsistent 
with your need for me.
Your need for space was 
incompatible 
with my need for you.

And this excess of space
is not enough to hold 
our mistakes.

Do you have the grace
to respect my space?
My need for space 
is compatible 
with my need for me.

The excess of space
is insurmountable. 

And space travel was never my thing. 

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Nine


I stabbed him 9 times
and he didn't notice.
I think I could do it again
but I threw my knife away.

There were 9 hymns,
I remember. 
The chorus rings in my ears,
and my head can’t let them go. 

9 times it was, that he died.
But like Pinocchio, he walks and talks.
If I were a real girl,
my kiss would wake him up. 

9 hymns were sung, 
repeatedly.
They were the songs I sang,
because I forgot ours.

I stabbed him 9 times.
He felt it. 
But he covers the wounds,
so I keep singing. 

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Time... why you punish me?




I miss the 90's. The music was better, life was less complicated. I was skinny, my skin was so smooth. Sure, the big glasses and generally gawkiness ensured that I spent most of the 90's being insecure. I worried about my mom letting me shave my legs, and when my boobs would finally make an appearance.

By the late 90's, early '00's I was finally getting over the awkward stage, and was entering the outgoing stage. If only I knew then, that at 17, I was probably the hottest I would ever look, and I was having the most fun I would ever have - with my job, with my life, with everything. I was broke, but I didn't care. I was experiencing music, and love, and hate, and heartache all for the first time. Everything was new, and I was wasting my time trying so hard to be cynical, and 'adult'.

I wasn't a very nice person in my early 20s. I think I let a few people down, I wasn't really the best of friends. I made a lot of mistakes. And finally I decided it was time for a change.

And now I am 10 days to 30. Sometimes I think I hold myself and my friends to really high and almost unattainable standards, other times I think I am really full of shit. There is a calmness in me that I didn't have when I was younger, but there is also a barely stifled rage... I really need to do something about that. I have more spots on my face now than I did in my teens. And there is a frown line just above my eyebrow - and I cannot remember when it became a natural feature of my face.

Time... I used to have too much, and now I never seem to have enough. I was determined not to be depressed, to love 30 and all that comes with it. This growing older lark has just made me more contemplative this year. Not exactly the joyous welcome I was hoping to give my thirtieth year; but at least I am not close to slitting my wrists this time.

Baby steps eh? And I still have 10 days to work at it...

Thursday, 28 February 2013

Job Dissatisfaction

Sometimes it's great to be able to finally say - 'fuck this shit, I am a grown up, and I can do whatever I want.'

That's not always the case though. It's not easy to just decide it's time for a new career, or go travelling for a year, or stay home all day and get stoned.
As you get older, you realise that everything has implications, considerations, reactions, and consequences. You may fool yourself into thinking that you can do what you want, no one tells you what to do etc. But that shit aint true. Our parents told us what to do, so did our teachers, and now so do our bosses, and ultimately, the very act of living and surviving dictates what we do.

You may have heard the question - if money was no object, what would you do? Yeah it would be great to live a life of leisure - I would learn how to make jewellery, in between designing clothes and shoes for petite people, writing my first novel and running my own radio station... (you can see how my indecisiveness doesn't really help with answering stupid 'what do you want out of life' questions).

But this is reality, and the reality is money. I'm kinda attached to my pay check. It gives me food, and shelter, and pays for my internet. Even if I don't know if I am really doing what I want to...

So here's some background - I work for a multinational company. You know the type - used to be smaller, good atmosphere, everyone knew everyone else etc. Then got merged with one of those corporations that seem to swallow everything in it's path like a wave - never stops growing and expanding, and suddenly all there is is integration this and alignment that, and absorbing everything else, and adding more brands to this and that and the other.
I used to supervise a good bunch of people. The boss wasn't too smart, but he was smart enough to let me handle the things he couldn't, and I learned a whole lot in the process.
And so with that knowledge, I progressed.
I still manage a team - not nearly as awesome as my previous team. My new boss still isn't too smart, but the problem is, he doesn't know how dumb he actually is. And I ain't learning anything from him.
The job itself is ok. I can't say I love it. I can't say I am passionate about it. Maybe some aspects still stir a little emotion, but if I had one word to describe it, it would be - 'meh'.
However, there is a lot to do, so I am working late almost everyday. I come home worn out, hardly able to face Fiona (aka - my personal laptop, one that I'm using now. It's a macbook, named after Fiona Apple *giggle*).

I don't really like my job. I don't really like my boss. I don't feel like I'm learning anything. I don't think I have good leaders around me, who I respect and look up to. It's all a bit disappointing really.

So there you have it. A few hundred words to outline my general dissatisfaction in my job and chosen career. Bottom line is - I still have bills, I still want to buy a house, and clothes, and food.

It sucks being an adult cos the choices you have aren't really choices, it's mostly always just making the best out of a bad situation.

I probably could really do with a stoner day though...

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Me


The confusion in their eyes when I am what I am,
Turns me against the world and me.
As I cower in a corner of myself,
And as you tell me about love,
I wish I were anything but me.

The one who knows how to hurt and be hurt,
The one who is strong, the one who cries,
The one who knows some secrets of wisdom,
The deaf, the dumb, and the blind,
Otherwise known as “me”.

The confusion in your eyes as I do what I do,
Makes me want to cry.
As I cringe in a corner of my heart,
And as you tell me about me,
I wish I could be more like that.

The one who retorts and amazes,
Who whimpers and is still.
The one who knows some secrets of love,
The child, the woman, the animal,
Otherwise known as “me”.

The confusion in my eyes as I try to understand,
Turns me against myself.
As I lie in the bed I make,
And as you try to be the wiser one,
I wish you would see the real me.

The one who tries, and fails
The one who laugh and smiles,
The one who knows what it’s like to grow up,
And therefore doesn’t.
Me.

- 2001


It's been a gradual journey from seeking acceptance and trying to conform, to just realising I am who I am. From wondering if I really was as different as everyone seems to think, to enjoying being me, everyone else be damned. I don't know if everyone goes through this as they get older, but I'm finally starting to feel comfortable in my skin, with my personality, my confusion, and my contradictions. 

I am nearing 30 now, and still changing, still discovering myself, still wondering where this journey will take me.